Wwhen the first headlines about coronavirus started appearing in January 2020, it had little effect on the South London TJ, 25. “It seems outrageous now, but I thought, ‘I’m young, I’m healthy, I’m going to be fine. ” When the first shutdown was announced, his mindset began to shift. He was ‘forever’ single and his housemate locked up her parents, but he felt that the same optimism that was very much in the hatch did a lot in the era of weekly applause and Zoom quizzes. ‘But that first weekend, the silence of the house and all the hours to fill – I got this idea … mentally, I do not know where I will be at the end of this. Four weeks later, I was really scared for my mental health, and I did not cope at all. ”
TJ is one of the estimated 7.7 million people in the UK who have lived alone for most of the last year. “It’s not a game of Top Trumps, it’s not like my anxiety is deeper,” he says. “But it’s different when you experience it all on your own.” In November 2020, the Office for National Statistics released findings showing that acute loneliness had climbed to record levels, with 8% of adults (approximately 4.2 million people) being “always or often lonely” and 16-29-year-olds two times as likely as those over 70 to experience loneliness in the pandemic. “You would never think there would be fear of missing out if we were all home,” says TJ. ‘But I would browse Instagram, see friends with their boyfriends or housemates and think,’ I wish I had someone. I feel so alone. “
Even those who previously liked to live by themselves found that the absence of company almost assumed a physical characteristic. “It feels suffocating,” said Carl, 56, of Derbyshire. He was unmarried for five years and enjoyed the freedom and spontaneity it offered him. He voluntarily resigned from his IT job in June and although it was a welcome break at first, the novelty of empty days began to lapse. “It comes in waves – for two weeks I go well, then one day I wake up and feel alone.”
By losing the distraction of the company, some people were forced into deep self-reflection. Brenda, 71, woke up in the night. ‘I’m not the kind of person who’s thinking about dying, but I’m suddenly caught on that I want to clean up my papers and get rid of clutter because it would not be fair to my daughters if I succeed. All the things I ignored by surrounding myself with others put me first. ”
This restless feeling was hard to shake, even when there were chances to mix. ‘What I found strange, because I was very sociable before, was that you almost lost the art of it. A friend turned 70 last summer and her daughter was having a party; 15 people were allowed. I was really looking forward to it, but on the day I felt weird. “She has always loved living alone, in a remote village in Scotland, but ‘total isolation from society is quite another matter’, ‘she says,’ over the years I have missed people terribly. and plunged into some serious slumps. ‘
Long-term social isolation is known to increase the risk of death, compared to smoking 15 cigarettes a day – and lonely people choose the coping mechanisms that are not good for their health. TJ started drinking more. “I thought in bottles – ‘Would another bottle of wine make me feel better or worse? ‘During the week it was right, I was still working [as an editor for a magazine], so I’ll talk to my colleagues I love. But as soon as it was 6pm on Friday and I turned off the laptop, I experienced a weekend of nothing. I would clean the apartment, watch TV, listen to Donna Summer or lie on the couch with my eyes and try to cool off. But my mind was toxic – stupid things like a row I had years before, or bad decisions I made – and the temptation to drink was always there. ”
As the months wore on, the discomfort of loneliness forced some to prioritize their mental health, despite staying home. “I broke the rules a few times,” says Sarah, 29, who has lived alone for two years and has been alone since December 2019. She met friends outside and also in their homes. But that put her relationships under pressure. “Some friends said I was selfish and irresponsible. I could understand their anger, but those locked into couples had no idea what it was like to spend 23 hours alone by looking at WhatsApp or Zoom. ”
Carl visited an older family friend throughout the year to provide support. “I heard the weakening in her voice because she was so alone, and I thought, ‘So, I’m going to see her. “But he found it even unscrupulous, and he began to distance himself from acquaintances and even family.” I got sick of people being judgmental. All they did was look at their own situation. .. often sitting in a house with a partner and two children. ‘
For some, loneliness and self-reflection were ultimately a gift. After two months, TJ stopped drinking. “I woke up one morning and thought, ‘Okay, nobody’s coming to save me, I have to learn how to be alone, with my own thoughts.’ “It made him more resilient,” he says. “I focused on small goals, ran my first 5K and learned to think only until the end of the day rather than worrying about what might happen in a year.”
The initial pressure to find a partner also dampened. “Do not get me wrong, I miss going on a date and kissing someone, but I do not necessarily need a relationship,” says TJ. ‘As I see it, in the LGBT + community, we have been oppressed for a long time. And so those spaces to be free and to enjoy each other are extremely important. ”
Lauren is in her early thirties, living alone and was unmarried for three years when the pandemic hit. She had a similar revelation: although she wanted to meet new people, the pressure for each meeting to lead her to something serious made her unhappy. Towards the end of the first lockout, she went to a hangout in a London cemetery with a polyamorous sex addict. “In normal times it would never have happened, because I was always after a monogamous relationship,” she says. Instead, they kept comfortable all summer long. It was fun and liberating, but she broke it when new restrictions came in: “It was like it was bubbling up with him and his two other girlfriends.”
For Carl, loneliness also proved productive. ‘It forced me to think carefully about what I want for my future. Before the pandemic I was a very lively person and some found me a little aloof. But I know I’m not really. Now he wants to be more open to a relationship. “It would be nice to have someone to wake up or walk along with, hold a hand, have a hug.”
Last March, Brenda had to move in with her eldest daughter before the birth of her second child. “We kept waiting to see what would happen, and of course I missed the birth and never met my new grandchild.” She says it’s one of the most painful parts of the closing experience, but adds, ‘I really want to stay positive.’ Last year, a good friend’s husband died. “He was very scared of Covid. That’s not why he passed, but it made me sad to think that fear was such a big part of the last year of his life. It drove home that I was 71 and that I did not have to waste those years. This is what I’m focusing on right now. I have walked along the sea and experienced every bit of nature, living as much as I can. ”
Some names have been changed.