Not all men are guilty of sexually harassing women in the workplace and beyond. But all men play an important role in the broader effort to combat the harassment of women, and it begins with simply the conversation with other men.
Failure to condemn sexual harassment – whether it is verbal malice or direct assault – could have serious consequences for people close to you, as comedian Daniel Sloss explained in his 2019 HBO comedy special. He talks in an unsophisticated way about a male friend who raped his girlfriend, and how he did nothing about the myriad warning signs that preceded the horrific event. He could act, perhaps just by saying something to his male friend who often displays multiple red flags, but he pulls the danger off.
Given the widespread sexual harassment and assault around the world, nearly one in five women in the U.S. in her lifetime will be sexually assaulted, according to 2010 figures showing the National Center for Sexual Violence—The words are a serious warning.
As Sloss notes, the process of removing sexual harassment from normalcy begins, with men talking about it, instead of ignoring it. Here’s how to get started.
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Listen as women talk about their experiences
One way men can fully understand the ubiquity of sexual harassment in society is to listen when women talk about their experiences. According to Heather Stevenson, a psychologist who specializes in men’s issues, talking to women can drive the insidious nature of the phenomenon in a way that discussions with men cannot.
She tells Lifehacker:
If you come from a place of genuine curiosity and openness, it will be receptive, and the direct stories of people you know are likely to have a greater impact on the processing of the information. If you still do not feel comfortable starting a conversation with a woman in your life, watch one of these videos of women recording their experience in the street and the harassment they experience by men. Then use it as an opener with someone you know.
It is impossible for men to rationalize the scale of harassment worldwide – whether on the street, online, behind closed doors in private homes, in the workplace and outside – without hearing it from women themselves. Listening to women will help men understand how people close to them can endure this kind of harassment for years, and perhaps encourage them to take action.
Take action with male allies
In addition to talking to women, men can also go from unconscious bystanders to allies by speaking out when they witness bad behavior by other men. It is good and necessary to have these conversations regularly, and men should constantly cite cases of misogyny expressed by friends, family and co-workers.
But the work becomes more real as men commit themselves to others dedicated to the cause. The University of Southern California School of Social Work urges men to “maintain an ongoing dialogue with friends, peers and family members, with the ultimate goal of encouraging more people to become active allies in the cause.”
In turn, Stevenson recommends more targeted advice, citing organizations such as A call to men and Man Enough as specific resources. She tells Lifehacker that men should consult these groups as they will enable them to find ‘other men who are already engaging in such dialogue or open to such conversations as a way to continue and deepen the work. ‘
When it comes to casual friendships, Stevenson makes a distinction between the position of a teacher and the remark you may find inappropriate.
“We do not necessarily always have to accept the role of educator with other men, but it is appreciated if you do,” she says. “But we do need you to at least take on the role of questioner or reject comments / conversations” that perpetuate harmful perceptions about women.
Think again about how sex is talked about
Much of the informal misogyny that is woven into the social structure of today begins with the way men are socialized. Much of it is shaped by mass media, and the way women are hyper-sexualized to gel with stereotypical male tastes. To help a broader segment of men understand that their conception of femininity was designed by a culture that positions women as objects that exist only in relation to men, men need the ways in which they were taught to talk about sex, break down. .
As Stevenson explains, men should question the popular images portrayed in commercials, movies, and pornography that openly sexualize women:
When we are all exposed to stereotyped roles, we are passively conditioned to tackle these beliefs and thus respond to a place of justice in response to the messages. The problem really comes down to not doubting what we are being fed, why and who is at the helm who drives the messages.
When men begin to understand that portraying women in mass media is a fabricated ideal, it will help counteract the lasting impact of the problem. Fortunately, if you are a man who wants to help make a difference, you can do your part in a relatively simple way. It is essential that you do this.