Dear Amy: I’m asking for advice from my younger sister, “Stella.”
As many people currently use Stella [a social media account delivering “X-rated entertainment”] to make extra income.
Our older cousin “Candace” is married to “Ted.” They have three children. Ted is about 17 years older than Stella.
Stella found out that Ted had signed up for her account. She learned this because he sent a lot of messages to her saying that he always examines her at family functions. He calls her his ‘dirty little secret’.
We are both very upset about his behavior and are not sure what she should do next.
Should Stella tell Candace? Stella told our mother in the hope that she would get advice and possibly ward off any awkward family gatherings in the future.
Our mom thinks it’s possible Candace will pick Ted’s side and make it worse.
Stella and I both agreed that we wanted to know if our significant others were doing it.
I encouraged Stella to take screenshots of his messages in case she still needs proof in the future (which she did).
Stella blocked his account and let her friends know on the website so they can block him too. One friend did notice that he paid for some of her content, but only the content that Stella included.
Should my sister keep it a secret, or let our cousin know what her husband is doing?
Concerned big sister
Dear Big Sis: “Ted” is an herb. More on that later. But your question is partly about whether ‘Stella’ should notify your cousin ‘Candace’ because her husband Ted signs up for Stella’s ‘X-rated entertainment’ account.
If Stella offers pornography behind a pay wall, I would assume that many, if not most of her clients are someone’s husband / someone else.
I would have an equivalent to a medium like Penthouse magazine. If Stella is hired to pose for Penthouse, should your cousin’s husband be ‘sent out’ because he bought it from a newspaper? No.
Your mother knows of Stella’s groove, and I would therefore imagine that this acceptance would transcend any extreme discomfort of the family.
However, Ted’s choice to harass Stella should NOT remain a “dirty little secret”.
Although Ted may have thought he was engaging in creative and sexy role-playing, a family member to let her know about her role in his fantasy life is … creepy! Stella must respond directly to Ted and shut him down. And depending on how he reacts, she should feel free to let him have the pleasure of having her as his ‘dirty little secret’.
You have to accept that Ted’s wife will join him. But because his harassment is indefensible, I do not think the rest of the family should worry too much about him or his feelings.
Dear Amy: A few years ago, my husband and I met a couple who would become our best friends. They have two daughters, and we have one.
Their oldest, “Maggie,” is the same age as my daughter (6).
Maggie is rude, disrespectful, mean and bullying.
We overlooked it because we enjoyed the friendship so much.
My daughter likes to play with their girls, but I think Maggie hurts her feelings, even though she’s too kind to say so.
I believe a comment I made recently about a rude incident caused a rift. However, I am tired of allowing their daughter to treat us and our daughter so badly.
The parents refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem. I think the child needs professional help.
I would hate to end the friendship, but I also want to set an example for my daughter that we do not allow people to treat us like that.
Am I ending the friendship? What should I tell them?
– Upset mother
Dear Outraged: The way to communicate with these parents is to say, ‘Maggie dominates our daughter, and she doesn’ t seem to know how to handle it. I hope I did not transgress at your house, but I felt I had to intervene. ‘
Dear Amy: ‘Luddite in Nebraska’ complained about in-laws sending text messages (about a wedding, pregnancy and a birth). Luddite felt that it was in ‘bad taste’ and that a call was needed.
Thank you for pointing out that the way to convey news and information has evolved.
I’m old enough to remember that using the phone for important news is considered ‘bad taste’. One had to write a letter.
– Geezer
Dear Geezer: Good point!
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.