Dear Amy. Last summer my niece came to stay with me. She was then 18.
I could see that one of my adult friends, “Stan”, was attracted to her, and I asked him not to have sex with her.
A few months later, my niece told me that Stan had sex with her and that she did not like it and that she was uncomfortable with it. She asked me not to mention it to him. Eventually she told me that she had worked it out and that they had stopped.
I was annoyed about Stan because I specifically asked him not to do it. He said it was unfair of me to ask him since she was not a minor.
I told him it would have been better if he had talked to me about it instead of me having to find out my niece about it, who was upset about it.
It really affected our relationship, and I’m not sure if it can be repaired.
Stan says that if he had to do it again, he would do the same, even though I asked him not to do it.
– Angry aunt
Dear Anger: Your tone gives a sense of ownership, rather than concern, about this teenager.
You’re not your cousin’s sexual gatekeeper. On the other hand, you throw your friend like a predator, and your concern is of course well placed. But shouldn’t you have talked to your cousin about this beforehand instead of wasting your breath on him?
Your attention should now be focused entirely on the well-being of your niece. She is clearly (and understandably) confused about the nature of this sexual relationship. Is she OK? Is this right? She may not know, and rather than dictate to her, you should be as indiscriminate as possible so that she will feel comfortable talking to you about it.
Accompany her to a health clinic to make sure she has birth control counseling and STD tests.
Talk to her about permission. She has the right to sexually decide what she wants to do. If she does not agree, her choice must be respected, and if she did not agree to what happened last summer, she has the right to go to the police.
In terms of restoring your relationship with ‘Stan’, I can not imagine why you would want to. Even if his behavior – strictly speaking – is not illegal, unethical or even something of your business – if you do not like hanging out with an unrepentant horned dog, there is no reason to maintain the friendship.
Dear Amy: I am a happy married woman of 74 years.
My three adult daughters went in for my birthday present, and what they chose was a (sex toy) vibrator!
I never indicated that it was necessary, and I was shocked and offended. My husband too.
How should I respond to this? The cat “Stanley” likes it and snorts when I put it on its side.
– Upset mother
Dear incensed: As a group you should contact your daughters and ask an open-ended question: ‘Ladies: What did you think? What is it about? ”
They might reply, ‘Oh, Mom, get it together – it was a joke!’ To which you can say: ‘Really? Explain to me exactly what the joke is here, because I do not get it. On the other hand, it seems to work for Stanley. He has never been happier. ”
Attach a video of the cat with his new sex toy, which should help you give your point, soured with a bit of humor.
Dear Amy: My friend and her family help me with projects around my house.
Recently, her husband developed ‘wandering hands’.
I give everyone a hug and thank them before they leave, and he started grabbing my backside as I hugged him. I have an aversion to this. It makes me angry and uncomfortable. I have told him several times to stop and threatened to tell his wife.
He says I will not. This is a tough situation because his wife is sick and I can not imagine adding more to her already complete board.
I’m also afraid that she will not believe me and that this will be the end of our friendship.
I have never given him reason to believe that I even have a distance in him. How do I stop this unwelcome behavior and maintain my friendship?
– Upset
Dear upset: hire someone else to help in the house. Keep distance from this man.
If he does it again, call him immediately in front of others.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.