Belt those loins, people: we are now only 15 mortal days away from the release of Zack Snyder’s Justice League, the movie that will eventually give fans of superhero movies exactly what they always said they wanted, thus freeing our planet from their collective sense of anger and justice, and that they will likely win Snyder a Nobel Peace Prize in the process . HBO Max, the company trying to drive this turbulent source of digital footprint, has continued to spark anticipation for the film – which today, means the company has released the chapter titles for Snyder’s email, because god knows you can not make a four-hour superhero movie without cutting it into chapters with a poignant title. (To be clear, all chapters are released as the single four-hour film.)
In reality, Justice League will be cut in six chapters, and – having already put things in order before the planetary arrangement announced by the long-awaited re-release of the film – we thought he would do some good old-fashioned unfounded speculation about what each of these demarcations could possibly mean. .
Chapter One: “Don’t Count On It, Batman”
A simple A to B reading of the text indicates that it is mainly on the opening sections of the 2017 Justice League, in which Arthur “Aquaman” Curry tells this exact line to Bruce Wayne when he rejects his offer to be one of his “fighters”. But given Snyder’s contempt for Joss Whedon’s version of the movie, and the love of including extra bonus villains in this new version, we can only assume that this chapter is rather an appearance of the classic Batman villain (and do not). do not concentrate on it) and focus on it. count on it, see), possibly dressed as John the Baptist.
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Chapter Two: The Age Of Heroes
A literal reading might suggest that this passage would recreate some of the backstory passages from the original screenplay Justice League, which shows the ancient battles between aliens, Olympians, Atlanteans and Amazons against the film’s great evil, Steppenwolf, who wants to take them all straight to hell on a magic carpet ride. The new version will meanwhile, so we guess, be 40 minutes of the film heroes tell each other ages as a kind of team building exercise.
Chapter three: beloved mother, beloved son
Ray Fisher’s Cyborg reveals that the mystical Motherbox that brought him and Superman back to life is also unlikely to be called ‘Martha’.
Chapter four: “Change machine”
While Steppenwolf combines the Motherboxes to reform the face of the Earth and announce the arrival of his master, Darkseid, Bruce Wayne struggles to park his Knightcrawler off-road vehicle, and he does that thing where you spend about ten minutes getting around ‘ flatten a dollar bill at the corner of the machine until the damn money changer finally accepts it.
Chapter Five: All the King’s Horses
The darkest hour of the earth is averted when King Horse, the greatest of the heroes of the planet, releases his Titanic Whinny, shake Steppenwolf’s army to pieces. (The only human victim of the attack was a man named ‘Woss Jhedon’, who was buried alive under 40 tons of rubble.) When the Apocalyptan general begs for mercy, King Horse seals his fate in the ensuing league debate by ‘ No ‘to vote. ”
Chapter six: something darker
All members of the Justice League, as well as a suddenly appearing Darkseid, turn directly to the camera, and encourage viewers to watch the film’s upcoming, even less colorful “Justice is gray” version. King Horse shakes his big head tired and pulls down offices to explore the stars.
And those are credits, people, four hours later in your life. A pretty titanic achievement on Snyder’s part, and a fulfillment of his long-hatched vision for this superhero unit –
Wait, really? A mid-credit scene in the Newswire about the superhero movie? How low is this shit going to bend? Oh well:
Epilogue
Martian Manhunter Appears, explains to disappointed Ryan Reynolds fans that he is everything they get this time around so they can just as well soak up and enjoy it.
Jesus Christ.