“When we study people who have a lot of sex in a long-term relationship, they do not describe spontaneous desire as a characteristic,” she said.
What do they describe then? When clinical psychologists Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard conducted a study for their book “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers”, ” they found that the components of great sex were consistent across gender, sexuality, and a number of other descriptors and tastes. It included things like communication, empathy, vulnerability, connection and being present. They emphasized that they do not ignore the idea of romantic spontaneity and rather accept the purposefulness and make a plan.
Great sex, they found, does not just happen. It requires intentionality. Do not be afraid to put it in your calendar if it has to. Because although you can not plan with great sex, you can, like dr. Kleinplatz and dr. Menard puts it in their book, “creating the conditions in which magic can occur.”
Follow novelty.
While a low sexual desire during a pandemic may be normal and understandable, there are things you can do to increase that desire in a relationship. One thing that, according to science, increases excitement is a new experience. Not just the sexual kind, but anything to increase your heart rate.
This may be a good time for people to ” open a dialogue with their partner (s) about their general relationship as well as their personal desires, fantasies, needs, etc. ‘, Dr. Luetke, who discusses the connection between conflict and sexual intimacy at Indiana University, wrote in an email. If these conversations are uncomfortable for you, she recommends that a therapist who specializes in sex get involved.
Or find another way to increase your heart rate. You may not be able to ride a rollercoaster or dance at a busy concert, but you can still do a YouTube workout, go for a walk with your partner, or watch a scary movie while the kids are in bed. Some research suggests that the excitement surrounding your partner makes that person look more new and sexually attractive through association.
Complete the stress cycle.
When your brain senses a threat (a lion, say: you are chasing you), your body activates the sympathetic nervous system, which sends chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol to help you run faster or fight harder. Once the threat has disappeared (you ran away; you killed the lion), kick in the parasympathetic nervous system, take you out of fight-or-flight mode and bring your body back to a calm state.