Skippy brand owner buys Mr. Peanut, no guarantee for his safety

In what feels like a spiritually sinister movement, Yahoo! reports that Kraft sells the Planters peanut brand to Hormel, which is also the owner Spam and Skippy. Sales were just $ 3.35 billion. Holy shit, that’s a lot of money. All that mr. Peanuts, grown, sold and eaten. Baby Peanuts? Or maybe it’s Bart. Whatever your name is, man, I think you’m done for it. I’ll see a grinder in your future unless we break you out of your contract.

Even before the pandemic, Kraft struggled when customers began straying from processed foods. Now it’s mocking brands to focus only on brands that make money, like Lunchables. (Lunchables. Who knew?) Last year, Kraft broke Polly-O and Breakstone for $ 3.2 billion with French company Lactalis. It’s a lot of sour cream and ricotta, people.

The sale of Planters to Hormel means the Spam people are getting the whole range of goodies, including Cheez Balls, the inferior Cheez curls as Cheetos, cream blend, mixed nuts and the ever-tooth-cracking nuts.

Hormel plans to give the Planters brand a bit of TLC, like with Skippy when they bought it eight years ago. After a bit of tampering, it managed to elevate Skippy to a brand-name powerhouse, investing in ads along with new product lines like press packages, and no sugar and extra protein versions of the peanut butter.

Now, I have a suggestion for you, Hormel: use the same machinery you use to grind peanut butter, but with spam. What I see is a straw mail butter that can be quickly smeared on soft white breads. Or maybe pieces of spam mixed into a trail mix to create a balanced meal. Of a frozen pizza! There are stars and dollars in these eyes of mine, Hormel. Just trust me.