Welcome to 2021 !! It may be a new year, but in Utah it seems to be pretty much the same shit. The confessional haircuts still look absolutely tragic, Meredith still disconnects around every corner and turn, and Jen is still studying how it is possible to do too much even on Bravo. But we have some glimpses of the new new on the horizon! Whitney’s refreshed identity as a drunken cockroach, the introduction of a new ‘friend of’ and another brand in the Barlow empire. So let’s get on with it before the new nubbins age.
Amidst the expansive panoramas of horseback riding by Heather and Whitney, the calf in Salt Lake City is picking up their taste of older burns. Brooks fry Meredith because she had to go to therapy to sharpen her communication skills. Not cool, my guy! If you want to be bad with your mom, at least choose something fun and fluffy to keep going. Like her dedication to wearing jackets indoors. Or the fact that her interior design is aesthetically ‘mausoleum modern’. Or perhaps borrow the best compliment I’ve had in my hand for months, thanks to Spawn Barlow: ‘I do not really like a microwave hot dog, so no, I do not need you to make something for me . ‘ * Chef’s kiss. *
At Shah Chalet, Jen is working hard to plan a surprising birthday for Sharrieff with her ‘second assistant’ (we’re nine deliveries in and I’m not yet sure how her assistants are ranked). She reads in some personal growth book that if she wants more love, she should give more love, and of course the best way to communicate that love is to book a venue to have an anger tantrum under the disguise of a hip-hop golf outing. . The buffet will be filled all night and Jen informs Whitney via FaceTime that Mary was not invited to come in for a big shock.
How does Mary feel about this? More or less exactly how you would expect. In between, she teaches her cousin the housekeeper to steam clean the carpets and make sure her grandparents wet the grass properly in their Florida home, Mary cries to find out she was not invited to the party. No one is surprised that Jen does not invite Mary to her husband’s party, or that Mary is upset about it. What is surprising, however, is Mary’s unveiling of the Cosby empire. These include churches, day care, a mortgage, restaurants, Robert Sr. ‘s corporate entities and houses in. More specifically, five homes in SLC, Las Vegas, NYC, Orlando, and oh, you know, CARMEL, INDIANA. Not only is Carmel an urban metropolis with “The Roundabout Capital of the US”, but is also home to the Museum of Miniature Houses. An entire museum filled with little shit! It was clear that Mary had never hung out, or that she would have enough joy to sustain a lifetime of housewife nonsense with nary pout.
Either way, at Heather’s not-so-miniature cottage, it’s Valentine’s Day, which is apparently celebrated with the same fanfare as Christmas morning, complete with decorations, gifts for all the kids, and a very awkward visit from Dad. The real gift here is that Heather sets out her breakup with ex-husband Billy. Very long, he was over six feet, rich and Mormon, and she agreed to marry him, but when they were first together, she discovered that they were not compatible. The real turning point was when they saw Scare movie in theaters and Billy storms out of the theater to the glory hole scene, but Heather continues to finish her M & Ms with peanuts and get some more lols in. Billy withheld sex to show how loose she was, and then moved on later because Heather did not want to. t move the date of her baby shower to his sister. Good luck, this guy likes a dramatic ultimatum! I really hope in their separation documents, instead of irreconcilable differences, there is only ‘critical deviation: the comic value of Marlon Wayans being stabbed with a dick by one ear with so much force that it comes out the other side.’ A girl can dream.
Meanwhile, Mary is back home counting three chicken wings on a plate and forcing Whitney to put on shoes over her stilettos as if the Cosby household is an operation. Listen, I understand that. The exterior is rough and most whites still have a long way to go with respect for the sanctity of any interior upholstery. But why not just set up a shoe rack and call it a day? Are we supposed to believe that Mary’s knee – high red Gucci boots are her slippers? As for shoe etiquette (among other things), you need to practice what you preach. Unfortunately, Mary tells Whitney that she’s undoubtedly no one has her back and wonders if everyone’s just scared of Jen. Whitney apologizes for ignoring their breakup and vaguely being a bad friend.
Thus begins Whitney’s one-woman pursuit of redress. Who needs the Mormon Church to deal with sins if you can only repent by filling John Wick with everyone’s rubbish? The only problem with this plan is that Whitney is bad in every aspect of the girlfriend. Her first mistake is to listen to her friend Sara (yes! The “wait, did anyone bring Raquel? Vanderpump Rules out of her cage to get rid of in Utah? ”One of the premiere), which suggests that Sharrieff’s birthday is the perfect time to air grievances among other people. I think it’s safe to assume that if the person doing your life advice says it condescendingly shit about their multiple maids and struggles to cut an apple with not just a knife, but one of those apple cutters that are for those explicit purpose made, perhaps do not accept their word as gospel.
In lighter, though somehow bad news, Lisa pulls her family into matching turtles for a trip to the aquarium. Between ooohs and ahhhs Henry tells us of all the insects that it is an undisputed fact that glovis in area 51 are made of foreign blood. If you want more proof that creationism as the only scientific curriculum is probably a bad idea, then this is it! Since each Barlow scene requires at least 800 units of Girl Boss, Lisa somehow convinces Henry to say he would name a penguin ‘Fresh Wolf’ after the ‘children’s male care line. Nothing says family fun like getting together at the old bastion of late capitalism to carry out your mom’s presentation by pretending it’s your idea!
Alas, the day of the hip-hop golf party has arrived. Everyone wears one bonus that is culturally appropriate and goes to the venue to surprise Sharrieff, who knows exactly what’s going on, while acting badly through an awkward Popeye’s shrimp po’boy spot, as if it were a production of the eighth grade of The Taming of the Shrew. Surprised or not, Jen pulls all of Coach Shah’s friends along, a table with bottomless bruschetta snacks, and a step-and-repeat ripe and ready for absolutely painful dancing. Speaking of which, Justin should have perhaps taken a breather to improve his accuracy of seven irons, to lightly indicate that the Roses call it a night after Whitney kicked someone in the face while working. Instead, there’s a double fist, and by the time Whitney decides to do everything she’s going to do with Jen, she’s not exactly safe to use heavy machinery.
What follows is honestly hard to keep track of. After seeing Whitney talk to her dad so mature last week, we know there’s something in the noggin to facilitate a productive conversation. Yet the drink has her meticulous and word-shifting and everything is incoherently chattering about wrong and right and clean sheets. Heather comes in and is like ‘Whitney was trying to tell you that Meredith and Lisa called Mary and said they’re scared of you, but there’s probably meatballs on a stick somewhere in this room, so I’ll all be talking about it. leave! ”
Jen predictably loses her shit. Lisa is predictably on her way. Meredith predictably tries to hypnotize everyone by repeating, “I’m not part of this conversation.” Then Whitney decides it’s time to double down and tells Meredith that Jen is spreading rumors about her marriage. I need to know how the producers convinced Whitney to tackle the drama outline of three episodes in three minutes of drunken chatter. Do we think they threatened to bother how much of the Rose fortune was earned on the altar of MLMs? Did they get dirty from one of their trips to Sturgis? Or maybe Whitney just really thought it would all end in something other than Jen throwing glasses, shouting obscenities and storming out of her own party?
Either way, Jen knocks out every herd in the housewife’s playbook while Sharrieff, Rafi and Omar try to defuse the situation. It’s useless and a little exhausting. Shahbulous? I do not think so.
See you next week to discover great news from the Marks family and maybe get an update on the development of the young Jack Barlow in ‘shredded ladies’ team!’