My brother-in-law is just over 40 and he has health issues. He also suffers from mental health issues that are mostly undiagnosed due to his refusal to see anyone, and in reality he does nothing but smoke weeds, drink alcohol and play video games.
At the moment his parents are paying his mortgage, which I think is in their name, and I assume they are paying all his bills. His father takes care of maintenance on his house and helps with food and ‘necessities’. I assume they are also paying for his medical bills, or simply letting them pay.
This year, my septuagenarian father-in-law had a health anxiety. My mother-in-law also had health problems, but nothing life-threatening. I fear that my brother-in-law, given his sedentary lifestyle, may also raise additional health issues as he gets older.
I told my wife that they should discuss estate plans with us openly. She agreed, but the subject is always pushed aside with them. Her family does not talk about death or money at all. Most of what we got out of it is that everything is divided in half.
I think this is a great plan on paper, but I see two big issues. First, there is the house that can not simply be divided in half without being sold, that my wife or her brother does not really want to do. It has been paid off.
The Moneyist:My wife and I have 3 children. I also have 3 children from a previous marriage. How should we divide our house among these 6 children?
Maybe in a decade my wife will be able to pay him half of the house and possibly buy him out, but that’s the case. Her brother can not manage his own life right now, and I know what will happen if a few hundred grand fall into his lap.
Neither I nor my wife want him to be homeless, but I’m worried I would be responsible for taking care of my brother-in-law. I believe he will eventually be poor after his parents are no longer here. If they just leave money for him, he will disrupt it or possibly have it taken by debt collectors.
My wife and I are wealthy and can make money. Ideally, we can just run a trust for him to make sure bills are paid so he does not suffer homelessness or hunger. Clearly, this is a gripping topic that comes from the son-in-law, especially with parents-in-law dying over money and money.
I do not want to overturn the bill for this man when his parents are gone.
Any advice would be great.
Responsible son-in-law
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Dear son-in-law,
It sounds like a combination of mental health and addiction issues. Sometimes one can lead to the other. Helping your brother-in-law can be a family intervention rather than a financial requirement. It involves the whole family taking the baton and telling him one by one that they love him, and they want him to get back on his feet and receive the help he needs.
Over the past decade, depression among middle-aged American men has increased. Baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964, are at greater risk for depression, according to a 2015 Gallup-Healthways index survey. In the U.S., 14% of baby boomers are treated for depression. This is significantly higher than the national average of 11%, double the percentage for millennials.
It can also lead to serious health problems. Studies have shown that being overweight or obese is associated with a higher risk of dying prematurely than a healthier weight – and the risk increases with extra pounds. More than a quarter of American adults define themselves as obese, but the actual obesity is closer to a third of the population.
The Moneyist: My friend’s father buried $ 50,000 in the backyard for his grandchildren. My friend has 2 kids, but his spendthrift brother has no kids. Should they divide it?
Your parents-in-law can explore options to ensure that you are cared for after they leave, and someone with mental health and addiction issues who also does not have life skills will not be best able to handle their own finances, especially a lump sum . They can provide in their will to place the proceeds from the sale of their home in a special needs or a living trust with an income.
It may require a second intervention, one that forces your in-laws to face the reality that their son is facing a long road to recovery, and if he does not want to or cannot get better, they must own estate plans accordingly. This may involve making an appointment with your in-laws, and a financial planner and a real estate lawyer to discuss these issues.
There are many organizations that can help your parents, including the National Alliance on Mental Illness and the National Council for Behavioral Health. Your brother-in-law can also benefit from some kind of rehabilitation or recovery program. The helpline administration for drug abuse and mental health also provides crisis counseling to people affected by the pandemic.
In the end, you can not force your brother-in-law or in-laws to seek the help they need, and perhaps by acknowledging for a moment of grace that they must face an unpleasant or difficult truth. You can do the best you can. But you are not ultimately responsible for the lives of others, although it can be difficult to see how this situation deteriorates over time.
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Quentin Fottrell is MarketWatch’s Moneyist columnist. You can email the Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions to [email protected]. By emailing your questions, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.