Ask any black woman, and she will probably have a story about the washing day. In my family, they were especially holy when I was growing up. Because my mother was a beautician, our kitchen was transformed into a beauty salon every weekend. Every Sunday she had a routine for me and my twin sister, Andrea. We would start the first morning and would go until 3 or 4 pm (I was less tender, so I always had the honor of going first.) She rinsed my hair in the kitchen, then Andrea’s. Then she goes through the whole thing again: Flush me out. Rinse Andrea out. Blow me dry. Blow dry Andrea.
We talked about everything during that time. She taught us how to fry wheat, and braided our hair straight with a warm comb without burning everything down. She would ask us about school – if we had a bad day this week or had any problems at school. She was also an excellent cook, and while doing her hair, she would make snacks and puffs for us. The TV was never on. We entertained each other. And as my sister and I got older, she made the other one style. Don’t get me wrong: it was a disaster (my hair once fell out in a straight incident that got bad), but most importantly, we had fun and felt we could be creative.
The day I found out I was pregnant with a baby girl, I was very happy. Hair has played such a significant role in my relationship with my family. I could not wait to transfer my knowledge and have a routine for me and my daughter, it was all ours.
Initially, my daughter’s hair was soft and wavy – very low maintenance. I washed it with baby soap and sprayed some water in it when I wanted her curls to come up. That was it! I dreamed about all the beautiful berets and styles I could create once her hair got longer. But after Sophia passed the eighth month, her hair texture began to change. Her curls tighten and she develops a scaly, almost hairless spot in the back of her scalp. It seems like all the basic baby orphans for drugstores are drying her out. I was worried, but experts assured me that it is common in babies.
Me and my two-year-old daughter, Sophia
I wanted her hair to be more moisturized, which I thought would help with her hair loss. I like organic coconut oil for my own hair, which is why I started using it in her hair every other day to include the moisture and keep her hair shiny. It worked for a while until she became one and her hair changed dramatically again. It became much coarser and harder to comb through. Sophia also started fighting me every time I tried to wash her hair. She cries when water touches her face and does not want to sit still long enough for me to style it.
I do not want to go so far as to say that I feel like a bad mother, but I definitely feel frustrated. As someone who has spent years on natural hair, I thought it would be the easy part of motherhood. Was she too young to use the products I used on my hair? When was the right time to use an actual shampoo and conditioner on a baby? I advised everything I thought I knew.
On top of that, because I was black and a new mom, I was afraid of being judged because of the look of my daughter’s hair. For years, black women had to deal with social prejudices about wearing our hair in its natural state. Society viewed it as unprofessional or as “uncared for”. Although these discriminatory beauty ideals eventually began to develop, it was a struggle to embrace how I see myself and how I wear my hair.
I do not want it for my daughter. I want her to wear her hair proudly and know that she is more than her hair. I recently read the book Hair Love, which celebrates the natural texture of a little girl and her everyday appearance, for Sophia before bedtime. I want to bring in to her that no matter what her texture is, her hair is beautiful.
And yet, for all the articles and message boards I found about children’s hair, I could not find any resources specifically on black babies’ hair. So one night I went down on YouTube – which, as a new mom, is now actually my solution to everything. There I found several videos of black mothers experiencing the same problems as me. I felt just as comforted to know that I was not alone and that they had advice when ‘it happens.’
Ten months later, and after some trial and error, I finally have a better understanding of how to care for my now biennial hair. Every second Sunday she gets excited when I tell her it’s time for her wash day. As I let her pour the water over her own head, I would ask her questions about what she likes or what book she wants to read. She holds her elastics for me as I stretch her curls. And when it is finished, she will look in the mirror and say: I look beautiful.
It makes me proud to feel that I am sharing something with her and that I am teaching her to love her hair. And now, as a new parent seeks advice for the hair of their black baby, I can tell you what actually helped.
Wash once every two weeks.
I washed Sophia’s hair once a week, but quickly realized it was too much. It was drying out her scalp, causing dry spots. Now we wash and condition every other week with the Shea Moisture Kids line, and between washes I touch up her hair with African shea butter mixed with organic coconut oil.
Sheamoisture extra nourishing shampoo for children
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Sheamoisture Sulfate Free Conditioner for Kids
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Find a soft unraveling brush.
This standalone brush chased me everywhere on Instagram, so I finally decided to buy it. This is an absolute game changer. It is a plastic brush with soft, flexible hair that puts the minimum pressure on your hair and scalp. I use it after washing Sophia’s hair and while the conditioner is still in. It disrupts easily and prevents breakage.
Flexi Detangling Brush 4C hare
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Cut out curls with hair ties.
This technique is an excellent way to stretch a toddler’s curls without using heat. After conditioning and disrupting her curls, I divide her into six sections and use black elastic hair bands to hold her hair. It takes about 20 minutes, and I do it while watching her favorite show (which is currently) Blue’s Clues and You). This style can last about a week, then I usually take it off and brush her hair or repair it again and put it back in this style.
This technique makes it much easier to do my baby’s hair.
Invest in a turtleneck hat for washing day.
Despite my daughter’s love for bathing, she will cry, scream and kick, whenever I want to wash her hair. She just could not handle water flowing over her face. This shield hat that her aunt found on Amazon is a lifesaver. It is flexible, sturdy and adjustable so that water and soap do not flow into the baby’s eyes and ears. It was a wash day that was once almost unbearable for both of us a fun experience.
Soft adjustable bath hair screen
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Cynthia Simpson is a film producer for Condé Nast. Follow her on Instagram @naturalcyn.
Originally appeared on Glamor