It came to my attention that GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness propaganda emporium, has branched out into the wild and woolly world of sexual “well-being” that goes beyond the vagina egg and in a more candid area: sex toys that look like objets d’art and not at all like they should be.
The GOOP vibrator, which is currently sold outcosts $ 95 and looks like a stylized ice cream cone. According to the website’s description, it’s double: the enticing scoop of gelato on its tip is a ‘miracle ball stick,” to provide vibrations for external stimulation, while the other side is the part that goes up in it, to use the clinical term. The thing looks like a riotous Hitachi wand, but also looks like something they would sell The wing, which is the first red flag. The second, larger and more vivid flag is that, according to Mrs Goop, the vibrator is meant to be ‘intellectual’.
Paltrow said this in an interview with the New York Times around the launch of this item. The reason why she has now launched a vibrator is partly due to the pandemic and also because sex toys are always sold, and because not everyone has $ 15,000 on a solid gold dildo, can work out the consumer-friendly price point of this thing in their favor. Because the item was sold out, I think it did! Here is the old bile itself, with an explanation:
Why a vibrator now?
For many people – not for you and not for me – a vibrator is still considered a pretty annoying thing. This, of course, has changed a lot over the past decade. But still people are caused by sexual content or caused by their own sexuality. Women are not taught a certain vernacular and how to express what we want. We are not good at being vulnerable about our own sexuality.
I think as opposed to “Why a vibrator now?” It’s kind of like, “How can we make a vibrator that helps reduce the stigma surrounding things?”
Talk about its design.
So many vibrators seem hypersexualized. They are really phallic or they look like something you would buy in a sex shop. I was really intrigued about the idea that it would look something nice and cool, and that you could leave it on your nightstand without embarrassing yourself or anyone else. There is something very self-possessed about it.
Explain?
I think we were just trying to do something … maybe a little more intellectual.
All the others in this interview are the same kind of porridge you would expect from a vibrator that looks like your mom could pick it up and ask what it is if you let it out on the kitchen table as part of an interior design you were working on to work. Because the vibrator looks like a decoration rather than something you use to fuck yourself in front of the bed, that means it is ‘discouraging’ masturbation. It also has the rogue sex associations that, for example, the Rabbit has, because its curved edges and copper accents scream ‘West Elm’ instead of a crossless panty emporium of Central Ave in White Plains near the Burger King. ‘Sex toys that look like things you’ll be’ proud ‘of to display on your dresser or Lucite waterfall coffee table or whatever is not new – it’s just that Paltrow is not on the right track as she thinks she is.
Other companies like Lelo already manufactures for a minute vibrators and sex toys that do not look like a bachelorette party, so it is not here. My bigger problem with the Goop sex toy is my problem with all sex toys that look like pale little sheets are silly. A sex toy must looks like it came from a sex shop because it’s half the fun. The Rabbit vibrator is good because it’s good, but it’s also good because it looks like a purple stranger with ‘pearls’ in its shaft and it’s the kind of thing you might laugh at when you look at it, and it’s good to tuck it away in your underwear drawer when you’re done. I want the thing you use to self-bone to look ‘nice’ when it’s on the table when someone comes over, but why do you want it to look ‘nice’? so nice that someone picks it up and touches it with their hands? I do not care if anyone knows that I masturbate, but I do not want other people to touch my shit unless they are going to do REDACTED and we have already agreed on what it is REDACTED.
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A sex toy is stupid by nature! It is literally a tool. There is nothing particularly intellectual about a toy that attaches yourself to your clitoris and suck it up like a small lollipop. There is also nothing intellectual about Goop’s Hitachi knockoff. Is the sex toy read Proust? Do you necessarily have to endure a lecture on Marxism while just trying to rub one out and eat Sun Chips? Let the sex toys be just as they should be, and let the mind go for a while for this!