Dear readers: During this time I walk away from my column to work on other creative projects. I hope you enjoy these (edited) “Best Of” questions and answers from 10 years ago.
Today’s topic is: Unsocial media.
I also invite readers to subscribe to my weekly “Asking Amy” newsletter at Amydickinson.substack.com, where I post a favorite V&A, as well as comments on what I read, watch and listen to.
I will be back again next week with new columns.
Dear Amy: I have known a dear friend’s father and stepmother for many years. Recently, my friend’s father “made me friendly” on Facebook. I was happy at first, but he writes diatribes for almost everything I post and use (somewhat “coded”) obscene language.
It’s really weird and disturbing. I asked him not to use the language, and he seems to have withdrawn a bit, but he spends way too much time on Facebook and way too much time challenging me on political and religious things.
How can I stop this without insulting my friend?
Facebooked
Dear Facebook: You have tried to influence this person differently, but he is an adult and he can do as he pleases. You can do that too.
You can make him ‘unfriendly’ or ‘block’ him, but if you think this will cause additional inconvenience, you can restrict access to your posts.
You two will still be Facebook friends, but if he does not see your posts, he will not have much to oppose.
I think there is no reason to involve your (real) girlfriend in this unless you are worried about her father’s health. If this guy contacts you and asks why he does not see all your updates, be honest and say that his answers bother you. Then accept the fact that he may not like this reaction.
(August 2011)
Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law “Wendy” uses Facebook to complain about her job, her boss, how much she feels cheated by being a working mother, and even about the shortcomings of her new husband (my son), who apparently could not buy her a lavish enough Mother’s Day gift.
These posts create a kind of online persona that makes her look angry, and she’s not. But the real embarrassment is that she’s ‘friends’ of Facebook with everyone in my family, and believe me, her posts are a subject of not too flattering gossip.
I have mentioned my son a few times already when her messages became insulting, and he is trying to handle it offline.
Concerned mother-in-law
Dear concerned: When your daughter-in-law posts her complaints, selfishness or negativity on the public notice board Facebook, she runs the risk of destroying her personal and professional reputation. And that’s her business.
When her whining moves to family territory, it’s your business.
A gentle and respectful ‘heads-up’ (for her) is fine, and then you have to step back, adjust your settings (both metaphorically and on Facebook) and stop reading her posts.
(September 2011)
Dear Amy: My father’s politics are at odds with the rest of the family.
He still sends us extreme and hateful articles. We constantly ask him to stop, but if he drinks too much (which is almost every night), he will send us articles with messages like: “You will not be so difficult with me after reading this factual article “(what’s it).
I asked him to stop sending my political emails, but then he would not talk to me for days.
Sometimes he will not remember that he sent me anything (because of his drinking) and his feelings were hurt because he has no idea why I am so hard on him. I’m trying to take the big road, but will also not allow him to bully me. What can I do to prevent him from upsetting me, without cutting him out of my life?
Desperate Daughter
Dear daughter: You think it’s about offensive or unsolicited email, but I think it’s about your father’s drinking. You claim that he drinks too much to do things he does not remember, then his feelings are hurt when you (or others) react to his actions.
You should automatically delete his messages to you, or have him email you directly to your “spam” folder so that you can review them regularly.
Did someone in your family urge your father to get help to stop drinking? You can expect denial and / or warfare if you do, which in any case does not differ much from how he relates to you.
(August 2011)
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