Dear Amy: I wonder if my brother, “Stan, wrote me off because I would not lend him money.
In 2015, both of our parents passed away, a few months apart.
Stan and I each inherited $ 20,000. I put my money away on CDs. I do not know what Stan did with his legacy.
He always had a bad habit of asking female family members for cash loans and then never repaying them.
About a year after my parents passed away, Stan called me and asked if I would lend him $ 30,000. He never said what he wanted the money for.
I told him that my money was tied up in deposit certificates and that I had to pay a fine to withdraw the money. (I was not going to send him money anyway, because he has such a bad risk.)
He sounds miff and ends the phone call.
Since then, Stan has never called me. Before the last call to ask for money, he calls me about once a month. If I do not call him now, I will never hear from him.
I make an effort to call him once or twice a year, and he seems friendly enough, but it’s always me who makes the effort to keep in touch.
Do you think my brother wrote me off because I would not lend him money?
– Sad sister
Dear sorrow: The matter of guilt is this: it leads to shame, embarrassment, disruption and alienation.
Guilt is a mental, emotional, financial and relationship-like anvil, tied around the ankle and weight of a person.
I can assure you that if you borrowed $ 30,000 from your brother, you will never see the money again and your brother will never pick up the phone again. Fortunately, you did not become part of his debt problem.
As he is, he still picks up the phone when you call. So, keep calling.
He may have a major problem that is interfering with his ability to reach out to you. All you owe him is to do your part, namely to keep him as good as possible and to love him. And all he owes you is picking up the phone.
Dear Amy: My daughter’s boyfriend of seven years regularly cancels his plans to join us on the spur of the moment for an event.
They have been living together for over five years and he loves family members. He did not show up for informal pizza parties, and he attended the entertainment programs that my daughter paid for and no longer helped us move furniture, which made me scramble and get someone else.
Last Christmas he showed up, brought presents from their car, and then sat in the car and demanded that my daughter drive him home.
On Thanksgiving at the time, he called that we were going to eat to say he was not coming. The reasons for these many events? Migraines, stomach problems, colds, etc. He sometimes apologizes.
I do not know how to address it with him or my daughter, and whether I should just ignore it. He probably never misses work and sees his own family.
Ideas?
– Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: Your daughter’s friend has severe social anxiety. This may explain some of the physical symptoms he reports if he has missed an obligation. He can be an extreme introvert and easily get exhausted by being other people.
Unfortunately, I think you should continue by just not expecting to see him. He is extremely unreliable (for whatever reason) if he is forced to show up. And so you should not trust him, because it only leads to you being disappointed again and again.
You can start by asking your daughter if she can explain something of his behavior. It’s definitely going to be difficult for her, and you need to make sure she’s okay and can handle her challenging partner.
Dear Amy: The letter from ‘Painful’ about her deceitful boyfriend sounded like an old story.
She finds incriminating messages on his iPad.
He claimed he was hacked.
People need to understand something about hacking: hackers do not chase after individuals – they attack massive companies, banks, governments, etc. On.
Your comparison to his excuse with ‘the dog ate my homework’ was correct.
(Even though the dog once ate my homework!)
– Computer literate
Dear expert: you make an excellent point about burglary. Every time individuals claim to have been hacked, it appears to be a red herring. And – like a herring – the claim quickly begins to rot.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
© 2020 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
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