Dear Amy: My 28 year old partner and I decided to finally get married in December (at the age of 70). Due to the pandemic, the ceremony was held at Zoom with only a few good friends and family members.
Shortly afterwards, I announced our marriage and posted some photos on Facebook. A week later I receive a call from my cousin, who hears one of her daughters (who saw my post) about my marriage.
She looks very happy about it and congratulates us. Since that call, we have not received any gift or congratulations from her or her family. Months later it still bothers me.
I have always given my cousin and her children gifts for baptisms, birthdays, weddings, etc.
I’m sad that she does not consider my marriage as important as a straight marriage. She is very religious, so that may be the reason. However, over the years, my partner and I have always been included in all of her family gatherings and have always been considered a couple.
My cousin and I are like brother and sister. I think that’s why it’s so painful.
Should I let my disappointment arise, or try to let it go?
Either way, I’m sure it will not end well.
– Sore feelings
Dear sore: first of all congratulations!
Now, get stuck, because I want to suggest a counter-story.
Here is the letter I think your cousin sent me:
‘Dear Amy: me and my cousin are like brother and sister! I have always been very happy to include him and his 28-year-old partner in all of our family gatherings over the years, including those very important occasions such as engagements, weddings, baptisms, birthdays, and so on.
Last year he and his partner decided to get married! This is good news; they have been together longer than most married couples I know, and at age 70 I would say it’s time.
I understand that during the pandemic no personal ceremony would be out of the question, but imagine how hurt I felt when I heard from my daughter, who saw a message on Facebook, about this wedding.
I called them to congratulate them, but I felt hurt because my closest cousin did not bother to tell me about his wedding – even after the fact – and I had to learn it thirdly. ”
In short: HELLLLLO. The beauty of a Zoom wedding is that you can include a lot of people (and you do not have to feed them)! Why did you not include your cousin? Do not you think that she will feel hurt because you did not even bother to tell her – after that? And yet, here she is picking up the phone and offering a loving congratulations to you both.
No, you will NOT feel hurt about this. Share my counter-story with your husband, and sort out your feelings.
Dear Amy: I have been with my husband for 20 years.
I put a lot of effort into including my in-laws in all family activities.
We can now see them in person because they have been vaccinated.
At dinner, they handed over a large plastic bag with pictures (including the ones I sent them) of their grandson.
I spent a lot of time and money on these photos (all his school photos, etc.).
I’m offended that they gave it back to me in front of my son and said, “Oh, we cleaned it up and we just do not want it.”
I say it’s rude, my husband says it is not.
U insette?
– Wonderful woman
Best wonder: I agree with you both.
If you are not going to like it, I think it’s a good idea to resubmit photos (rather than throwing them away).
‘We made duplicates of this’ (or digitized) is definitely a better way to ‘frame’ it than the way your in-laws did it.
I also think it’s a fun idea to give an album of grandchildren, etc., to the grandchild once they are older. Parents and grandparents often have these photos, but their subjects rarely have.
Dear Amy: I was shocked at your judgmental response to ‘Sleepless’, the university student whose mother woke her up every morning by running on a treadmill in the next room.
You should have suggested that Sleepless wear earplugs or earphones.
– Upset
Dear Disturbance: Yes, headphones offer a possible and obvious solution. However, “Sleepless” wanted her mother to do things differently.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.