I remember how I was so optimistic about New Year 2020. It’s hard to say when exactly that optimism was shattered by the pandemic. Like many people who have the privilege of doing so, I started working from home as much as possible weeks before it became mandatory. Maybe I, unlike others (or more like other journalists), devoured a lot of news. In early 2020, I listened to four news podcasts daily and read them online. This means that we have heard from many sources and various experts to prepare for the worst.
I was scared, not only of the virus, but also of losing my job and changing all aspects of my life. I started playing more and more as a coping mechanism. I was lucky enough to review Animal crossing: new horizons, granted me access about a month before release. There I had a small escape, not only in the game but also out of the pressure to see how everyone else was playing.
At the time I was the Game Editor for Digital trends, which meant I had to manage a team while keeping abreast of every release of the game. Covering work for work is remarkable, but it can also be tiring and easily turn something fun into something stressful. As fun as having games to avoid reality with, it was also part of reality that bothered me.
When spring turns to summer, Digital trends and everyone who worked there had a different matter. Amid Black Lives Matter protest after the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Jacob Blake and others, current and former Digital trends employees raised a number of racist or otherwise insensitive actions that took place at the company.
A pandemic, protests against an unfair policing and legal system, and my own company’s internal settlement meant little time for games that were not work – related.
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Yet it involved playing through The Last of Us Part II for two weeks at a time, sleep for a few hours during that time before moving on to Ghost of Tsushima. I’m incredibly happy that this is my job. But it’s still a job, and nothing makes it feel more like playing a game until 3am, not because it’s so good I can ‘t put it down, but because I really can’t put it down if i’m going to submit my review on time.
And then I was free.
Well, I’m fired.
I suddenly lost my job at the end of September, along with many other talented editors, writers and producers. I have an excellent support system, but I lose my job and health insurance on the same day in the midst of a pandemic that sucks, to put it mildly.
When I was out of work, I lost my sense of self. If I did not do work, what did I do with my life? I choose not to examine what it says about how much I value myself or how far we are in late-stage capitalism, but that was not great. With ADHD, I also feed on structure and getting things done. Without that structure, I quickly began to fall apart and become a less functioning member of society. My brain is not very good at ordering things, so I have to build my life around something solid. Now I had nothing to organize, and nothing to make me feel like I needed to be organized.
Eventually, play became my de facto job. I slowly crawl back to games when I have to fill the time – this time not because I had to, but because I wanted to have fun.
It was not the same as when I was paid to write about games and lead a games department. I played what I wanted and checked the boxes I cared about. I made spreadsheets to collect certain items or creatures Animal transition. I followed my sanctuary progress in a new replay of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I could not tell you how many cards I had Stardew Valley.
I know it probably sounds awful to most people, but it made me fall in love with games again. It gave me a way to get things done except for sending job application to job application. And it gave me an escape where I could worry about defeating a boss, rather than how long it would take to get a job or if my parents would be sought after.
For a few hours I did not have to think about it and damn if the ignorance did not succeed. Some people who do not gamble do not understand how it can be a healthy coping mechanism. But it was an exhaust valve that gave me joy during a very shitty time.
Since we are proposing a year after the closure of the world, I know I am very happy. Update Kotaku was already such a joy, my parents received their vaccinations, and I can write about games to live. Maybe I haven’t learned anything in the past year because I feel optimistic again for the first time in a while.