I wanted to get rid of COVID-19 because I thought it would feel like a bad flu. I was so wrong.

“I just want to get it right.”

I admit that this thought occurred to me many times in 2020, since I saw the SARS-CoV-2 virus spread rapidly in China. Before even cases were reported in the United States, I told my husband that people do not pay attention to them. He may have thought I was a little paranoid, but as someone with a chronic illness – who at the time was talking about whether he wanted to use immunosuppressants – it felt important to keep an eye on him.

That was more than a year ago, and although part of me wanted to catch the coronavirus, I would hopefully be able to get by and treat my rheumatoid arthritis (which is not on the federal list of high-risk co-diseases) without so much fear – nothing could prepare me for the reality of experiencing ‘moderate’ COVID-19 symptoms myself.

Some people may think that it is inevitable to get this virus, and we are all experiencing COVID-19 fatigue. In my rural community, I still hear people proclaim that COVID-19 is a hoax or that it is ‘just flu’.

Many claim that they do not have to follow safety protocols because this coronavirus ‘only affects those with pre-existing conditions and the elderly’ (as if it is consumable in some way?). I hear people around me express more fear about the vaccine than getting COVID-19.

These attitudes are common in Utah, where we made headlines conspiracy theorists storming hospitals, demands access to ICUs; mothers who follow a code not to test their children for COVID-19 in an effort to keep schools open; and demonstrations against mask.

It is not surprising that the cases in Utah soared, and that our hospitals were a few weeks long or nearly capacity.

Although some people are blessed with mild symptoms (or even asymptomatic), so-called moderate symptoms of COVID-19 can still be frightening and traumatic, and severe symptoms are essential. I never thought COVID-19 was like the flu and did enough research for health articles I wrote to know what harm it can do to the body, including the incidents of organ damage, the risk of experiencing “long-distance symptoms” and the growing amount of evidence that the virus can cause psychosis in some individuals.

I have also had many illnesses over the past year with my RA without treatment, and my body has started to show signs of permanent joint damage, which cannot be reversed. This is why part of me just wants to ‘get over’ in the hope that it will not be serious for me.

Eventually I hoped I would contract it, that COVID-19 would do it bird flu-like for me because I’m in my thirties and not considered high risk.

Although I was careful and did my best to follow the safety guidelines, I contracted the coronavirus in mid-December.

The fight against COVID-19 was completely different from what I had imagined, because the symptoms were nothing like I had ever experienced. Yes, there was fever, a cough that felt deep and ominous, and extreme muscle aches and fatigue, but it was so much more than that … and it was nothing like flu.

What I did not expect, and on which nothing could prepare me, was chest pain and pressure and the incessant feeling that I was not getting enough oxygen. It made me feel like crawling out of my skin, or I was going crazy. I could see my body running on all cylinders, fighting a strange and relentless intruder.

Sometimes I was worried that my body had lost the battle. I was scared to go to sleep at night. What if I wake up to my breath or do not wake up at all? COVID-19 is not only a physical disease but can also cause a lot of anxiety.

I got a pamphlet when I was tested. It has a list of warning signs to look out for, with symptoms such as bluish lips or face, and an inability to wake up or stay awake. My lips were not blue, and I could breathe deeply, but I still felt like my body was not getting enough oxygen. I could not take more than a few steps without becoming extremely weak and dizzy while the world revolved around me.

I was in that strange place to be very sick, but maybe not quite sick enough to go to hospital. I did not know it at the time, but your body may be low on oxygen without experiencing classic signs, as if gasping for breath.

Although a steroid I had for rheumatoid arthritis temporarily helped relieve my symptoms, the chest pressure and oxygen struggle just came back, and it made me wonder what kind of damage my persistent onset of inflammation could cause me internally.

My body was waging an overall war, and although I could see that I was getting a little better every day, the tension in my fight against my immune system developed about two weeks after I was positive on COVID-19. Shingles was miserable, but not nearly as narrow as the coronavirus.

We often hear about death rates regarding this virus, but it does not tell the whole story. There are no guarantees for this virus, and there is no way to know for sure how your body will react to it. This does not mean that we should live in fear, but that we should live with consideration for others and do our best to put the defenseless and ourselves up against the virus. COVID-19 should never be repelled as flu or like any other disease that people know.

I’m so thankful I lived, but I do not feel completely ‘recovered’. To this day, eight weeks after receiving a positive test, I can still hold on to an elliptical machine for more than 10 to 15 minutes without getting chest pain. My endurance dropped dramatically. I struggle with persistent chest pain, shortness of breath, fatigue and other strange symptoms, such as dry mouth and insomnia. Unfortunately, with COVID, “recovery” does not always mean “returning to good health.”

While our family was in quarantine, a child in our neighborhood wanted to play with our son, and she kept knocking on the door until my husband shouted through the other side that we had COVID-19.

“COVID is fake!” she shouted back.

“No it’s not!” replied my husband. It really is, and for many people it feels nothing like flu. I learned it the hard way.

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