Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 37 years. During our marriage, our sex life was good (but rare).
Our children have grown up and moved. My husband has heart disease and uses a lot of medication.
This medicine makes it impossible to have sex and he cannot take ED medicine like Viagra due to his heart ailments.
These problems made my husband very upset and he stopped having sex together. I have told him many times that I fully understand this, and he is no less in my eyes.
But now there is nothing – no sex, no kiss. Nothing. He hardly pays more attention to me. He escapes to the TV room when he’s home.
I feel very lonely and alone. I need advice on how to talk to him about this.
– Lost and alone
Best lost: Sexual dysfunction and libido loss are common in men who have undergone heart surgery or treatment for heart disease. (Your husband needs to go to his doctor!)
My theory is that he proactively avoids loving physical contact because he associates this contact with sex. Because of his libido, impotence and other medical problems, he avoids romantic contact because he cannot bear the physical risk – and the fear and awkward conversations that force him to confront this extremely painful matter.
Over time, withdrawing from physical contact to avoid sex led him to withdraw in other ways.
You want to hug your husband, hold hands and kiss. The way back would be to make eye contact, tell him that you like him, and that you would like to hold hands with him and walk further through life. Will he hold your hands for five minutes? Set a timer.
Exercise to touch and demonstrate bodily warmth and measure his comfort.
Once he is confident that bodily affection will not lead to sex, pressure for sex and all the discomfort around it, he should feel more comfortable being physically close to you. Physical closeness, warmth and comfort will be good for your relationship – and also for his health.
Dear Amy: My friend has become increasingly immersed in self-help empowerment through books, blogs, and podcasts over the past few years.
It began after a breakup about five years ago, and she found strength, security, and solidarity in the gospel of self-affirmation and authentic living.
Now every conversation is dominated by her “toxicity” eradicating in everyone’s relationships, and she constantly keeps room for us “to live our truths” as she sees it.
She stopped going out and said that every man she encounters suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (a disorder she applied retroactively to the ex) and discourages everyone in the group from going as a result.
Pandemic isolation has only accelerated the problem, and we can no longer talk at all without talking at length about what everyone else should do to achieve the equilibrium she feels.
Our group of friends is generally very therapeutic, but this friend says that when she tries therapy, in the end the therapist gives more advice than vice versa. Now it affects her professional life, because a colleague told her boss that she has compassion and is a poor listener.
I miss my friend. How do you help someone who is so convinced that she has helped herself?
– helpless
Dear helpless: If your self-fulfilling and evangelistic friend feels so strongly about everyone around her who “speaks their truth”, then this statement also applies to you.
I’m not saying it would be an easy conversation, but it is necessary for friends to tell each other the truth. It is both the burden and the joy of friendship.
Start your conversation with the following phrase: “Can I give you feedback?”
Waiting for her reply.
Use ‘I statements’:’ I feel that you have stopped listening to me because you are so focused on guidance. Right now I need a friend, not a life coach. ‘
Dear Amy: ‘A Fan, Not an Alum in Chicago’ made her wonder about wearing T-shirts from colleges they did not attend.
The late, great comedian Mitch Hedberg told a joke about doing university programs and always buying a T-shirt in the bookstore: ‘While I was walking down the street one day, someone shouted at me,’ Hey, was You, are you there? “I shouted back ‘Yes, it was a Wednesday!’ ‘
– Comedy fan
Dear fan: Another Hedberg gag: “I was not chosen, but I do not know how to show it.”
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.