Dear Amy: ‘Bobbie, an older neighbor of mine, was not a good person. Over the years, she has done harmful things to me, which have benefited her. Despite all this, I maintained a good relationship with her.
Bobbie was friends with ‘Ted’, a divorced parent, and used him for many things – driving her around, doing her gardening, painting her house and borrowing a large sum of money to renovate her house.
She and Ted regularly went on short vacations together. After returning from such a journey, she went into a diatribe behind his back, put him in the trash and told me that she could not stand him. Yet she continued to travel with him.
After Bobbie underwent surgery, Ted came to her house daily to cook for her. I brought food for both of them and later learned that she had eaten everything herself.
Bobbie passed away about a year ago and Ted took it very hard. He told me that Bobbie was a wonderful person who never said a bad word about anyone. I kept quiet.
Many months have passed, and Ted is still grieving.
If Ted ever mentions how wonderful Bobbie was, should I tactfully – without giving more details – let her know that she was not the wonderful person he thought she was? Would telling the truth reduce his pain? Or would the crushing of his idealized image of her oppress him even more?
– Definitely
Dear undecided: If he tells Ted that he is a bad judge of character, it will not diminish his sadness. Instead, this very kind man will feel bad about himself, “Bobbie,” and you.
What greater benefit does it serve?
You seem to have too much interest in your neighbor’s relationship with her friend. She’s gone now, and you can remember her in your own way, but you should not feel compelled to influence how others remember her.
Dear Amy: I need to know if I’m overreacting or if my daughter’s endangering her life.
I am 68 years old and live in a mother-in-law studio on my daughter ‘Kathy’s’.
I see her and my grandchildren every day and I love it!
During this pandemic, the children learn at home. My daughter was looking for new hobbies to keep them busy and engaged.
I recently learned that Kathy and all four of my grandchildren exchanged letters with people. That means some random strangers have my grandchildren’s names and our physical address!
I asked Kathy what the bloody hell she was doing, and she said that she communicated with these people before exchanging addresses and that she checked and confirmed their identity. She knows them via Facebook (I do nothing online).
She says that many people do this and that she and the children have made some friends through this pen pal.
I’m shocked she would be so stupid! She has no idea who these people are!
They can show up at her house and kill her and kill or kidnap the kids!
My son-in-law is no help; he told me it’s a fun thing for them to do.
I beg you to say that they must stop!
– Bang ouma
Dear Grandma: I agree that I should be careful about starting an exchange with a pen pal, especially if there are children involved.
Your daughter was careful and did her best to confirm the identity of the people her children match. Both parents are involved and engaged.
I do NOT share your hysteria about this. Pen pals have been around for as long as people have been able to send and receive letters. Many wonderful lifelong friendships began with correspondence between pen pals and strangers.
Yes, there is always the risk of revealing your identity and address to strangers, but individuals manage this risk every day in their online worlds.
You will be wise to develop a friendly and indiscriminate interest in this. This way, the kids will be inspired to share their correspondence with you so you can make sure it does not endanger them.
Dear Amy: I sometimes get frustrated when you refer to things in your column that I have never heard of. Not everyone is as familiar as you are with popular TV shows, movies or books.
Make your answers accessible to everyone.
– Upset
Dear upset: if you come across a reference that you do not know, I hope you will look it up, or ask someone to fill it out.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.